I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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