Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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