I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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