Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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