you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
