before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
