She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
