I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
