you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
