i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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