I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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