Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
