U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
