i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Found the puke drawer
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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