I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
