I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
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You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..