do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
