dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
