So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
