I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
