Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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