Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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