Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
