Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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