I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i came on her dog
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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