i already hear my dad disowning me
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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