It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
