i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
