if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
