dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
