Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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