Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
