shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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