the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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