Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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