you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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