Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
