so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
