she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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