Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
