I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
