Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
