Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The best revenge is premature balding
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
