My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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