Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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