I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
