i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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