areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
