i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
