it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
