Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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