girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
