just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
