When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
